Liquid Squirtle
I rarely ever post in here, but I'm at the end of my rope. I've been there for a lot longer than I'd like to admit. I'm going to spoiler this so that it doesn't get in the way of anything though. It's a long one so, uh, yeah.
I've been depressed in varying amounts since the beginning of September last year and everything's gone downhill because of it. I don't blame anyone except myself, which I'm surprised at myself given the circumstances. And if I don't pass my senior project by halfway through August and don't get to graduate this upcoming semester I'm going to kill myself.
I've become a giant burden on my family and I'm becoming the black sheep really quickly because I haven't been able to get my shit together. Anytime I've told myself I have friends is a lie. Everyone I know has either moved away or we've lost contact. Hell, even someone who considered me the sister I never had barely keeps in touch with me. And I'I've had it said to me a few times that my friends online on skype groups aren't real friends. If I were to drop tomorrow I think nobody except my family would care. And even then after a couple of days they'll realize how much better off they are without me.
I guess I've internally felt like this for a while but it's only manifest because I'm more insecure than goddamn Katsu when it comes to finding a girlfriend. I never expected it to happen, but then I met someone online and started up a long distance thing with her. I always figured that the only thing that I needed to be completely normal was an actual relationship. Based off the way shit went down when it ended I'm now convinced more than ever I'm going to die alone, and if it weren't for the fact that I'm living on my own and am independent money-wise I'd be a prime wizardchan candidate. It only lasted for about a month but says a hell of a lot for me that it bothered me that much. In fact, I think I mentally exhausted someone from here by practically flipping my shit after the breakup and I am so sorry for doing that to them, I wish I could find a way to make it up. I kept quiet about it because my parents hated her and I didn't want to cause drama here, and it utterly destroyed me. As in I didn't get over it until February when I started telling people here. And I just feel all the more pathetic for not being able to get stuff done for almost a year. Shows how lousy I am as a person.
I don't have much as far as people to turn to. I told someone a few months ago that I've been thinking of suicide and I don't want to hurt her anymore since she's been extremely nice to me and I don't want to make her go through me practically having breakdowns every other night. I've never had a good therapist and someone who lives near my parents who works in psychiatry used what I told them, when my mom and I went to her for help, to tell everyone in the neighborhood as dirty laundry. And my current therapist is mostly of the asspat variety. People say that cognitive behavioral therapy is magic but it doesn't fucking work. The few times I tried with my last therapist ended with me being about a 50/50 split for being justified so it went nowhere. I couldn't bear telling my mom again either.
It had mostly been my achievements keeping me going. I've got nothing going on for me whatsoever other than my intelligence. I'm not athletic and the only time I ever looked good was when I starved myself to get down to 170 lbs. I'm not the life of a party and people only regard me for being smart. So when I fail on that regard I turn into a waste of space. I mean, I can only list off a few things. I can sperg about games all day but it's useless in the real world. I'm a decent drummer but I can't find a band. I'm a diver but where I live is about useless for that. I'm rwo credits away from getting a dual degree in electrical engineering and computer engineering with a math minor. But I just can't seal the deal since my project terrifies me due to all the baggage of it. It's to the point that a year and a half ago I told myself that if I were to ever fail out of college I' d kill myself to prevent being a leech or something, and I may be at a point where I have to uphold that. I'm hanging on literally by my family wanting me to live and a lifeline with the project. If I fail that my scholarship money goes away.
What scares me is that being here may have actually slowrd down my feelings for a bit. Following Chris kind of gave me a boost in confidence and talking to people here has been awesome for the most part. From September to January was extra shitty because of said ex though and I nearly completely stopped. I don't even give a shit anymore if she's reading it, I would care but I am just exhausted in general and hate myself too much to care
I've been questioning it for a while now and I just don't know anymore. I've been erratic with it too, even with writing this. Hell, I'm going back and forth from listening to The Cure, particularly Disintegration, and then listening to Doggystyle right after. Apart from finishing up the project, which is really close to being done but has a few hiccups from soldering but works on a solderless board, I don't know what to do anymore.
